A warm breeze blows across my face and the water laps at my feet. I sit, perched on a ledge overlooking the Adriatic, while I sip my coffee. The sound of reggae music permeates my senses and I try to memorize this moment.
I had been out for a morning walk along the water when I saw signs pointing me towards the Hula-Hula Beach Club. One of the signs said, ‘Happiness is just around the corner.’ I was intrigued.
I’m glad I stumbled upon this little oasis about a 20-minute walk outside of the main town of Hvar. This is the perfect place to reflect on my challenge of learning to let go. The sign was right. I felt happiness settle over me like a blanket as I picked up my notebook and began to write.
For those of you who have known me for a while, it is probably no surprise to hear that I have always been a bit of a control freak.
As a child, I never wanted to sleep over at friends’ houses because I felt safer in my own bed. As a teenager, I always wanted to drive myself to parties, so I could control when I left. I worked at the Banff Springs Hotel for 2 years and never once took advantage of the free White Water Rafting trips offered to our Concierge Desk team. I created a niche for myself as a Recruiter so that I could control the kind of business I worked on. And, as some of my ex-boyfriends might attest, I tried to control my relationships while convincing myself that I was actually pretty easygoing.
I scheduled, organized, and compartmentalized my life with determined precision. Then cancer arrived…
I became a prisoner to a medical schedule that I had not chosen. I lost the hair on my head, the mental stamina to keep working, and the ability to drag my busted up self off the couch. I hated cancer. I hated the lack of control I felt. I impatiently wanted to get back to my old life and my old self.
I didn’t realize that these lessons would serve me well in the future. That they would teach me to finally let go.
To let go of my white-knuckled grip on the seat in front of me as my cell-phone-talking bus driver passed a cement truck while driving 90 km/hr around a corner on the way from Dubrovnik to Split. I reminded myself that he did this drive every day. Picturing myself rolling down the steep cliffs to the water below would take away the pleasure of savouring the once in a lifetime views.
To release the tension in my stomach as my Catamaran ferry got tossed, like a dinghy, over huge waves on the stormy ride to Hvar. The crew passed out barf bags. I stowed my terror and made a conscious decision to surrender to the captain’s skill.
To dismiss the pit of anxiety I feel at the thought of renting a car tomorrow and driving 8 hours up the coast of Croatia by myself. Other people do this all of the time. What am I so afraid of?
In the last few months, I have finally realized that although I am responsible for making sound decisions in my life, I am not actually in charge of everything. Every day, I am learning to let go of my fear and finally just enjoy the ride.
Check out my photos of Hvar and Split
